The Weapon

This was an intense experience. I was floating somewhere in the dark, quite free and uninhibited when suddenly the light blanked out. Yeah, ‘the light’...although it had been dark, I’m sure. And now I was sucked in, into a profoundly deeper darkness that pinned me down. I was unable to move, completely paralysed, I had lost my voice, and even my power to think. In those few brief moments of absolute stillness I became slowly aware of a deadly companion who shared my space....fear.

So overpowered was I with fear that my senses stopped and I was face to face with the inevitable. Actually, come to think of it in hindsight, I have no idea what the inevitable would have been. My fear had seeped through my whole consciousness and crippled me to the extent that even my thoughts which otherwise roam free & wild, were frozen.

I guess from somewhere very deep, the primitive, primal need to survive caused a little stir in my mind. It was nothing more than a ripple, but it was the only movement I needed to break free from this darkness. The slight disturbance allowed a minor thought to sneak in. The thought told me that this isn’t real. You are either dreaming, or else you are in ‘that other zone’. Either way, reality will creep in and set you free. Damn my thoughts! What if reality had been a dream? In any case, I needed a weapon, something to attack the tormentor whom I could not see.

I should have prayed, surrendered myself to faith; but at that precise moment, honestly, even the idea of prayer was shut out. I was desperately hunting for a weapon. And then, miraculously, I found it.

I could loosen myself a bit; I felt my breath start to flow again, and a confidence slowly start to envelop me. I was fighting. It is difficult to fight when you do not know your enemy. But I knew a friend. So I fought with all my strength against everything that was against this friend. Gradually, I pierced through the walls of my prison and again reached that other darkness which was not so dark. I was free.

I knew I would wake up soon. I knew this was more real than reality. I knew I had allowed myself to save me, and by doing that, I have inadvertently saved you, my friend, for none other than you would have known where my weapon is.